Celine Tiles

I’ve always thought, like many of you perhaps, that Celine Dion is fucking crazy. It may not come across in her songs – although ‘My Heart Will Go On’ does sound like it’s been touched by the Devil – but it’s all there in her mannerisms and the way she performs. First, there’s the uncomfortable way she stands when she sings, her legs apart in a weirdly masculine manner, like she’s about to scratch her balls and maybe spit out some chewing gum. Then there’s the accent, a strange hybrid of French classicism and annoying American twang that sounds like nothing else. The pinnacle of her mania can be summed up by her unnerving facial tics, not only when she sings but also when she speaks. She seems to be grunting or gurning constantly, like she’s having a fit or passing wind. All of the best bits about Celine (I feel we’re on first name terms) are shown in the video below, a kind of commercial for the Eurovision song contest. Marvel at the way every sentence ends with a nodd of the head, laugh at the way she says “very fortunate” and finally piss you pants at the way it segues into her singing her Eurovision winning song. Look at her eyes people, the woman is posessed!!! Altogether now, “she’s just a Devil woman, with evil in her eyes”

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